the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
