Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
