omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
