Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
