i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
