Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
