Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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