I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
