Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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