P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
