i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
