my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
