If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
