ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
