Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
