Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
