the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
