Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
