Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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