I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
