fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
