I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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