dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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