he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
