I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
