this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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