ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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