she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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