We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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