even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
