So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I woke up under a house in Key West
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
