I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
