ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
