hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
