After last night, I could never be a politician.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
