i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
