if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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