Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
