I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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