so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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