just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
