Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
