I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
