My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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