So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
