we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
