You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
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I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
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So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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