Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
