i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
