i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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