There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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