hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
