Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
