I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
