I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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