I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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