I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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