The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
