he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
