If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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