It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
